Happy April Fools’ day, everybody.  I say April Fools’! to you all in the beginning of this post because I will not be saying it at the end.  That’s right, everything which follows here is 100% true, despite how much you might believe otherwise.

So what is here you ask?  It’s a list of the top 10 funniest search queries which have converted since April Fools’ Day of 2014.  That’s right, each of these Google searches have resulted in someone clicking on an ad, and then either purchasing a product, or filling out a lead form on one of our advertiser’s sites.

A few caveats here:

  • Many of these search queries are a reflection of what the respective account showed ads for before it was under Metric Theory management.
  • Some of these search queries were matched to ads for our clients while under Metric Theory management, and can be used as a good case study as to why (conservative) broad match still is useful today. At the end of the day, it’s impossible to exactly bid on every possible converting search query for your company.

Now, a last note before we jump into the good stuff.  Some of you might be wondering how in the world I came up with this list.  I’ll let you know that I didn’t cut any corners.  I sifted, sorted, and scoured through 16.5 million search queries matched to accounts under Metric Theory management in the past year.

Yes, 16.5 million.  Not joking here, either.

Assuming the average search query runs about 1.5 inches long, 16.5 million search queries stapled back-to-back to each other would span just over 390 miles.  390 miles.  That’s long enough to stretch across the entire state of New Jersey, and back.  Three times.

This is exactly what happened to me after I was done.  Here’s to hoping the enjoyment this list provides you was worth my immense struggle in creating it…


Honorable Mentions: 

1.  “srock”

First of all, there was a spelling error in this one.  What the searcher was going for here was “stock” – they just missed the “t” by a few centimeters.  Secondly, who searches for just “stock”?  I wonder what exactly the searcher hoping to find by this query? We might never know.

 2.  “if you play college basketball without playing high school basketball you can make it to nba?”

Answer: There’s a logic gap here.  You can’t play college basketball without playing high school basketball.  Unless you look like this of course.  Thanks for the account creation though!

3.  “how can I sign up for a ton of spam telemarketing calls?” 

Who wants to sign up for a ton of spam calls?  If you want to sign your friend up for the calls, fine– I’d rather you just be more straightforward with me.  And not to burst your bubble or anything, but filling out a B2B lead form won’t get you spammed by telemarketers.


And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… 

#10 – “pink ponk bolls”

 This one makes me smile every time.  I wonder if the searcher actually still thinks ping pong balls is spelled that way?  Either way, we appreciate your $11.00 purchase!

 #9 –   “why does netflix not accept my email address when it is correct?”

 I honestly have no answer for you here, but neither will a B2B email validation company.  Better luck next time.

 #8 –   “why do puppies eat their poop?”

I’m with you here – I wonder that sometimes too.  But can I ask what convinced you to make a significant purchase for said puppy after typing this into Google?  I guess we do write pretty good ad copy here at Metric Theory.

#7 –   “examples of employee s&*t schedules for coffeehouse”

Love this one.  Mostly because I can’t figure out what the function of the four letter s-word is.  Are we talking about schedules that force workers into working really crappy hours?  Or schedules that dictate when the employees are allowed to go No. 2?   Actually, it’s probably a typo for “shift” but that’s nowhere near as funny.

 #6 –   “how to continually improve customer service skills as a phone sex operator?”

I don’t want this blog post to end in me being fired from Metric Theory.  Move along now, nothing else to see here.

 #5 –   “wine”

In the same vein as our “stock” searcher, this guy/gal must have been looking for wine (given the purchase) but there are just so many better ways to accomplish that goal.

 #4 –   “open an account to my phone so my daughter could call I need number so my daughter could call from county dentition center”


 #3 –   “how the f*%k to invest in the stock market!?”

Seriously though. There are many out there who have the same question and just aren’t bold enough to ask it.

#2 –   “can I become a home inspector if I have a felony?”

Oh, the implications!  You’ve been warned, America.

 #1 –   “does any store sell a stupid f*$%&ing hand held massager?”

Can you just imagine this poor fellow, searching for a handheld massager for his wife, and spending his entire afternoon sifting through the likes of Target, Walmart and Bed Bath and Beyond to no avail?  Hey man, shoulda tried online shopping from the get-go.


Well there you have it, folks.   At the end of the day, we will never be able to anticipate all the inventive ways people search for products and services.  Because of that, I’m confident that by next April Fools’, we’ll have an entirely new list of searches to chuckle at.  Til then, happy searching!